I like being straight forward, so I'll get to the point.  I am a Super Nice person, I just don't like to waste people's time with small talk.

The Black and White of my dilemna is that I have a HUGE amount of analytical thoughts.  I know that I could make anyone feel better about themselves, give great advice, boost morale, build self- esteem, listen to ANYONE with great empathy, etc. etc.  The bad part is, I am a procrastinator due to my laziness, or if not lazy, then something else has drawn me away from accomplishing goals.  Not real sure what's wrong with this picture I paint of myself, but I'm pretty sure that a change needs to come my way.

I am a single mom.  My son is 17 and I am soon to be 36.  I divorced my sons dad 12 years ago in October, and have never been remarried.  My parents really helped me out through the years, but now what can they do?  I am 36 and I should be makin my own way with my own cash at a Secured place of employment.  I've always worked and payed my bills (if I felt like it, remember, I procrastinate) and my ex is so far behind on support that I don't even bother with him anymore.  What can he do in jail? 

Ok, this is my story.  I fell in love with a great guy who is a Power and Light Journeyman for the city we live in.  He makes very good money.  We met in 2002 at the place I bartended at.  It's a quiet cozy little annex, which made it easy for me to keep on STARIN at him.  Anyway, I had only been workin there about a year when we met.  The money was good enough to take care of my son and I, but I didn't have permanent plans for the place.  Anyway, we've been together now for 5 years and my self esteem is shot because I quit a year ago July 25th (2006).  In 2006, starting in January, my biological father told me and my siblings that he had cancer.  In February, the doctors gave him 6 months to a year, he made it 5 months.  We lost him in June 2006.  During my dad's illness, I was working, my sister and brother were working but WE all 3 took care of Dad, no one else did.  When he died, I quit my job because I was getting sick from total exhaustion, not to mention the fact that I also had a responsibility to my son and fiance, whom got neglected a lot, but not purposely.  I've been away from work too long, and I am not proud of myelf anymore.

My son was going through the adolescence stage in life where he didn't mind being left alone to hang with the buddies, but he took some bad turns along the way.  Soon after dad died, my son was busted at a house of common nuisance.  The police let me come pick him up from the house, but he was put on informal probation for 6 months.  He really didn't care about anything any more after all that happened, I think it was because he felt a little rougher around the edges and it got peoples attention.  His attitude became worse, his sleeping patterns were way off key.  Going to bed at 9 but stayin awake text messaging whoever til 2-3 in the A.M.  Well, suddenly a really huge disaster struck him.  About 8:15 A.M. December 1st, 2006 on his way to school, he was in a Near Fatal car wreck.  I was sleeping in that day, which in turn, I didn't wake up him up, therefore causing him to run late for school.  I had no clue when or if he left that morning, I just assumed he was in school.  But at 8:52 a.m. I got a phone call from the EMT's.  My worst nightmare had came true, Jason had wrecked his car.  It had been raining non stop for 5 days and water levels were averaing 8-11 inches.  I am terrified of heavy rain because of my own Hydro-Planing experience so for 3 days straight, prior to his wreck, I would constantly make sure that he understood his surroundings and that flooding was nothing to fool with.  He finally told me to shut up about it and he would pay attention and drive safely.  But that morning, the rain had accumulated 3 more inches, totalling 11 accumulative inches. Roads were closed everywhere, except that good ole country cross road.  He hit a deep section of the road, causing his car to hydro-plane.  He lost control and hit directly head on into a telephone pole.   It didn't stop there.  The car continued flipping, twisting, crashing, flying, bouncing and rolling 80 more yards into a huge oak tree, where the car came to a rest on it's top.  Upside down in the passenger seat, being held in the car by both airbags, he managed to get out and walk up to the owners house and knocked on their door for help.  Unfortunately no one answered, but thankfully a passerby stopped and called 911 and let him warm up in his truck until the ambulance arrived.  Not a Piece of that car could've been used for anything.  It was a twisted, mangled, flattened hunk of metal.  I had never seen a car look that bad in my life, and miraculously, he was alive to tell the officer every single detail about it.  The doctor only found 2 small compound fractures in his upper spine and 2 gashes on his head and 1 behind his right ear.  They stitched him up, put a back brace on him and released him 12 hours after the wreck.  He missed school from December 1st 2006 to February 12th 2007.  The homework was massive and the goal to pass his junior year was unattainable to him.  What was worse was that I couldn't help him, I had always been just a question asker, "do you have homework,"  "did you get your homework done" and nothing more.  I never had to worry about it because his grades spoke for themselves, he was always a passing student.

I was still greiving when Jay had his wreck.  I STILL could NOT understand WHY my dad had cancer or WHY he had a TIMEFRAME to live or WHY God would allow such a NASTY DISEASE to deteriorate my dad from the inside out.  Just full of questions, rage, sadness, and disgust.  I had to watch my dad die for 6 agonizing months and then on the 12th month of the same year, something quite the opposite STUNNED me.  A week after Jasons wreck, I found myself grieving again, but differently.  My focus had turned to my son.  Every bit of it.  I had to bathe him, help him walk, clean his sutures, administor his meds, take him to doctors, he had surgery in his inner ear, constantly cleaning the house from tons of kids and house guests, you name it, I was ON IT.  All of a sudden, it hit me.  The questions 'What If' 'How' and 'Why'  were consuming me.  What if he would've died?  Why was his life Spared?  How was he feeling in those terrifying seconds?  Was I a bad mom because I didn't wanna get up that morning?  What if I would've still been working?  How could I have done it?  What is going through his mind, is he OK?  You name it, I asked it.  I had to watch my dad die for 6 months, but I could've lost my son in a matter of seconds without seeing a thing.  Both of them within 1 year.  Both of them at the mercy of God's Will.  Both of them equally as bad as the next, only 1 died and the other 1 lived.  An irreversible unexplainable fate.  I did NOT know what to feel or how to cope because I felt so much GUILT.  I wasn't sad about my dad anymore, because I was so happy that Jason lived.  That made me feel bad and ashamed because I was happy.  And then I realized something.  It doesn't matter how, when, or why we live or die.  What matters is NOW and EVERY SECOND that passes will remain a Mystery in permanent History.  God spared my dad for 72 years allowing us to know his history and Cancer spared our family from a sudden loss.  God spared Jason so that he could live a life in history and the wreck spared our family from losing Faith.  

 st in education and gained a new interest in pain relievers, pot and alcohol.  OH...I almost forgot...after dad passed away, I quit my job of 5 years to grieve and relax and go through what people go through